Flying Monkeys
Abusers groom their character witnesses as much as their victims.
Hey besties! After a little self-care break, we’re at it again. Put your witch hats on with me and prepare (for) the flying monkeys!1
Estrangement does not occur in a vacuum. Because our relationships are often overlapping and entangled, estrangement in any one relationship can have a variety of impacts on the others. The best case scenario is always, in my opinion, that we can untangle the relationships we want to maintain from the one that is broken and cultivate it separately (and I will post about what that looks like).
This is not about taking sides! You can want people to take “your side,” that is a normal and valid feeling. I can’t count the number of times I’ve hoped that someone would see and understand the years of dysfunction that contributed to my choice and the upheaval that resulted from it. Desiring validation is normal. That desire takes an unhealthy turn, however, when it becomes a desire for people to “choose” a relationship with you over a relationship with your estranged relative. In fact, that behavior often results in, you guessed it, flying monkeys. Instead, we seek to honor everyone’s agency while holding our own boundaries.
What is a flying monkey?
Just what is a flying monkey, though? If you’re picturing the primates with leathery wings from The Wizard of Oz, you’re right on the money. Just as the Wicked Witch of the West dispatches her minions to bring Dorothy and Toto to her (and take care of the others how they choose), many of us who cut off a parent end up bombarded on all sides by other relatives, family friends, etc., who “serve” on behalf of the estranged person.
There are so many good posts describing flying monkeys that I’m just going to link to some of them below. You can also Google “flying monkeys” and “flying monkeys estrangement” for more information.
VeryWell: Flying Monkeys and narcissism2
Narcissist Abuse Support: What are flying monkeys?
Psychology Today: Are You a Narcissist’s Flying Monkey?3
Reddit: A stock letter to flying monkeys (This is SO GOOD I LOVE IT)
Psychology Today: 3 Tips to Protect Yourself From a Narcissist’s “Flying Monkeys”
Flying Monkey attacks
Flying monkeys come out with a variety of motivations and will try to engage with you in a variety of ways. Some of them are trying to steady the boat, to get things back the way they were (“Can’t you just get over it?” “But faaaaaamily,” and so on). Your estrangement (or more likely, the estranged person’s discomfort) is uncomfortable to them, and they just want it to be over—true resolution or not.
Others are…less well-meaning. An estranged person (EP) will often rush to put their story out first, because people tend to give more credence to the earlier narrative (which is also why news outlets will often post partial stories about developing situations that often end up being riddled with inaccuracies, because people will still remember that they “read it here first”). And they will recruit flying monkeys to help them!
These flying monkeys may think you are “bad” or “wrong” for upsetting the balance, or they may believe whatever lies and tall tales the EP is spinning about you. Their cooperation may have little to do with you and more to do with other complicating factors. Whatever the case, they’ll spread the tales they hear or they’ll attack you directly for your supposed offenses, which will magically disappear if only you would speak to the EP. Another favorite4 move is that they will help the EP circumvent your boundaries—in my case, more than one person gave BG access to pictures of my children after I said she couldn’t see them. And, of course, a flying monkey who starts off with “good” intentions can often become more malicious as an estrangement continues.
Meet some flying monkeys
It’s story time! Besties, meet some of the flying monkeys that have come my way and see if they remind you of anyone…
The spouse so nice she divorced him twice…my dad
That’s right! My dad, separated from BG since 2004 and officially divorced (again) from 2015 on, despite knowing and calling out her toxicity for years, regularly encouraged me to get back in touch. Dad, now a reformed FM, was of the well-meaning variety…which didn’t stop him from making some rather pointed arguments. In addition to “she’s your [birthgiver],” he’d say, “You’re a pastor. Doesn’t that mean you should forgive?” Cue my favorite explanation: the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.5
Dad also defaulted to a perennial favorite argument, “life is short” argument.6 If you get that one, I offer you my go-to response:
Life is both too short and too long to spend with people who disrespect your boundaries and aren’t willing to work on having a healthy relationship with you.
I called him out him during one conversation. “Dad, she has said terrible things about you. She’s never stood up for you, and she actively manipulated us to take her side against you. Why are you pushing this?” Dad explained that, having been estranged from both my brother and me at different times and for different reasons, he could sympathize with her as a co-parent. And when that didn’t work, I had to change the conversation. Paraphrased: Dad, I respect your position and I love you. I have not changed my mind, and if you keep pressuring me to have a relationship with [birthgiver] then I will have to step back from talking to you for my own well-being.
His response was the best case scenario: My relationship with you is precious and I understand. I won’t bring it up anymore.
The best friend
BG had (has, I guess) this friend. They became friends long before BG was married or had children to think of, and Best Friend functioned like an honorary aunt for most of my childhood (for better and worse). We had already been out of touch for awhile when the estrangement began, so I was surprised and already suspicious when she sent me a message on my birthday in 2017. After the requisite birthday wish, it’s pretty much what you’d expect: your [bg] misses you, she’s sorry, you should talk to her, etc. Given that it was our first conversation, I gently pushed back while thanking her for the birthday wishes. She was gracious, and I figured we were done.
Turns out, for the past seven and a half years the Best Friend has been one of the most insidious flying monkeys in BG’s arsenal. Remember when I said that some FMs were sharing photos of my children? Meet Culprit #1, who to my knowledge continued right up until I blocked not only her but also her children, in-laws, and grandchildren so she couldn’t get pictures through their accounts.
Dishonorable Mention: Ex-MIL and Wasband
Culprit #2 in the photo sharing and perhaps the most two-faced of the flying monkeys I’ve encountered is my former mother-in-law. See, when I put BG in time-out, ex-MIL was one of the people who was specifically asked not to share information and to honor and protect our family’s security. Ex-MIL made very few comments about the estrangement itself (as it gave her the upper hand in getting time with us), but I found out while separated from wasband that she was sharing pictures and information the entire time.
And…it runs in the family.
The Pastor
Of all the flying monkeys I’ve encountered, this one angered me the most for a long time because it was a person who I believed should know better. As I’ve continued in my deconstruction, though, I now recognize how adept birthgiver is at manipulating highly intelligent people who are in a position to be sympathetic. This example also demonstrates how birthgiver (and many EPs) are willing to lie to get what they want.
When I put birthgiver in time-out, we were attending the same church. Birthgiver, to my knowledge, reached out to at least four of the five pastors on staff at the time to “get me in line” (read: force contact) Two refused to intervene in the way she wanted and gave me a heads-up about what she was trying to do. I don’t know how the third responded, or if she tried the lead pastor and what he had to say.
The fifth pastor became her flying monkey. He dove in with all the evangelical fervor of a Sunday morning to try and move the needle toward reconciliation. He went so far as to ask if I planned to send her a message with a pathway/timeline toward reconciliation, and he shared that he was afraid she would leave the church because of the rift.
Polite demurral did not work to dissuade him—but receipts did.
As tempting as it is to delete attempted contact, DON’T. Set filters so you don’t have to see it, but save everything.
I sent him the original time-out email. I told him about her escalating behavior at church and outside of church.7 And, I called him out for violating my boundaries and agency in his attempts to counsel her.
Besties, it was another best-case scenario. He acknowledged that she lied and misrepresented the situation, and the harm he was unintentionally causing by getting in the middle. While he still (rightfully) wanted to offer her pastoral support, he focused on her and stopped trying to intervene. In this instance, where validation for my perspective was critical to my continued well-being, I’m grateful that I was seen and heard and safe enough to finish out my time at that church.
Ground the FMs
As my examples illustrate all too well, dealing with flying monkeys requires flexibility—you will need to adopt a variety of defenses and countermeasures to protect yourself. For some, a gentle pushback is enough. For others, blocking and more permanent measures are appropriate, especially if your physical safety is at risk along with your mental and emotional well-being. If you are in physical danger, don’t be afraid to call 911; you can have someone trespassed and get a paper trail going for a protective order.
It is more than okay to be cautious until someone has demonstrated that they are safe for you. (Remember, this may not mean that they don’t have a relationship with the EP; it means that they respect your boundaries and are willing to keep that relationship, if it does exist, separate.) After all, it’s easier to prevent flying monkeys in the first place than to try and flush them out later.
Note: I’m going to use some abbreviations from here on out. FM=Flying Monkey, EP=estranged person, BG=birthgiver
At least one of the posts will clarify this, but I want to as well: not everyone who sends the flying monkeys is clinically a narcissist. They’re definitely exhibiting toxic behaviors though. Carry on.
Tough concept to engage with, but it’s important. I was a flying monkey for birthgiver on many occasions before deconstructing and cutting her off.
Not favorite
Worthy of a post of its own, bottom line: you can forgive someone and not give them access to you again.
i.e. “Life is too short to hold on to this kind of conflict/not be a faaaaamily.”
Easter 2016 will be a special feature. Allllll the trigger warnings.